Coffee With T

Our friend T joined us for coffee this morning. She's a local massage therapist, mom and all around awesome woman. Massage therapy is a passion for her but she does run into issues from time to time. The problem is this: There are clients that still see massage therapists looking for more than a rub-down.

Flora: How often would you say you get propositioned at work?
T: I'd say 80% of my male clients say something.
Flora: And how do they ask?
T: They'll call and ask if we use draping (cover them with a sheet), or if we give a sensual massage.
Flora: So how do you respond when they ask?
T: Well we have to clarify what they mean because sometimes even women will ask if we give a sensual massage and they may just be thinking of a Swedish - some people call those sensual. And honestly, we will use a drape as small as a towel sometimes, but we have to just tell them, yes we drape.
And we post our pictures in our advertisements so they'll call asking for specific therapists - "I want the girl with the blond hair" etc. That's a dead giveaway.
Flora: Wow.
T: Twice I've had a client laying naked and face up when I came into the room. Once I just put a towel over him and went on with the massage. The other time I said "I'm sorry I think you got the wrong idea. I'm going to leave the room and when I come back I need you to be face down, under the blanket. But I hear a lot of stuff like "What's the matter, aren't you comfortable with nudity?" I just say I have no problem with it but the law says they need to be covered. It's sad though that I have to blame it on the laws because really I just wouldn't do that. But you don't want to risk offending someone and losing a client.
Merriweather: I'd really like to know what makes people think it's ok to go to a legitimate place of business and make a request like that.
T: Well it's insulting because it's an actual career and you need to attend a lot of schooling to be qualified and licensed but some clients act like you are only there to fulfill their sexual fantasies. In fact I even told one guy that maybe he should call an escort service. He told me that it was too expensive to pay the $100 an hour PLUS get a room, pay for any extras and a tip. It was just easier to get a massage and pay an extra 20 bucks!
Flora: So now that you own your own massage business, how do you handle the issue?
T: We've actually done a few things. We ask them to pay in advance and they sign a waiver acknowledging that there is no illegal activity and that if we ask them to leave for any reason, they will not get a refund. It may not stop the questions every time but at least we don't lose income anymore. It's sad though because really it's a few women who've ruined it for the rest of us because they're willing to do that. I went into massage to help people but some women have made it out to be something different.

Maybe hearing straight from a therapist will make people think twice.

Premarital Test Drives

This weekend I had coffee with some family and it was a really great time - lemme tell you my uncle can make a mean pot of coffee! Said uncle and I talked a lot about his ex-wife, how he felt in his marriage, how he feels now, premarital sex... It's interesting to hear the previous generation voice more progressive ideas than we're used to from them. When it comes to sex, his beliefs seem to be as liberal as mine.

My uncle's first wife was emotionally abused by her father. As well, she witnessed the physical/sexual abuse he subjected her sisters to. So in his words, sex represented everything that was awful to her. I can completely understand this because I was in the same position for a lot of years after being raped at 13. I've been lucky enough to recover but I know some don't. So her desire to avoid sex (among other things I'm sure) drove a wedge between them and ruined their marriage. I'm sure he wouldn't change things now, after raising two amazing children in the process. And now he's met and married a woman who he's extremely compatible and happy with.

But in the present moment, without thirty years of history holding someone to a choice, don't you think we would be glad to know, before taking vows, that our partner isn't on the same page? While I don't think outright promiscuity is the answer, I do think having sex before getting married is important, to establish compatibility. Unfortunately, even with friendship, shared interests and even physical attraction, the actual act of sex can sometimes fall flat between two people. Or sex-drives won't match up and someone wants it much more often than their partner. The problem is this: as with many circumstances, when the sex is good, it's only 10% of what's good, but when it's bad, it's 90% of what's bad. I hear this comment about a lot of things and I think it's because when something is going well, it is just a single component in a fulfilling life. But when it's going badly, that single component detracts from every other area. Anyone who's been in an unhappy or unsuccessful marriage knows just how much it can effect every other part of life.

In my teens and twenties, partly in reaction to being raped and partly because I think a lot of young insecure women go this route, I gave myself away to more than a few guys. Some I wish I could take back. But do I wish I had been able or chosen to wait till marriage? Absolutely not. I would rather know ahead of time that we have at least one less obstacle to overcome. Marriage isn't easy under the best circumstances.

So what do you think? I know that living in my town, a lot of people disagree with my opinion.

-Flora